Welcome to George’s Boutique Beans! We’re no standard coffee shop—we offer approach some-more than those other places. We have a four-page menu of herbal teas; twelve forms of scones; and a hulk bin of cool, used jazz records. Also, we’re now a epicurean chocolatier and a residence of sadomasochistic pleasures!
Try a ninety-nine-per-cent cacao Himalayan-salt-infused truffle. Our residence mistress, Dominque a Cruel, will make we eat it by a zippered leather facade while she yells during we about how pitiable your welfare for divert chocolate is. It’s a renouned choice!
Our coffee emporium is also a tiger sanctuary. We’ve discovered dozens of Javan, Siberian, and Bengal tigers from violent circuses, and dual cheetahs and an ocelot. We do it since it’s a right thing to do. And we compensate a tigers a vital wage. Please support a large cats! Also, sorry, money only.
Just a immature tea? That’s fine. But we wish we to know that no other coffee corner beats us on variety. Ever. After those jokers opposite a travel during La Tazza started doing an improv night and hidden a business, we done damn certain of that.
Could we seductiveness we in a knee medicine with your tea? Or a Roman gladius sword? All of a weapons and surgical apparatus are a-hundred-per-cent locavore, barrel-aged, and urban-Zen. Real quick: a Tuesday night communication impact has been bumped from 7 P.M. to 8 P.M. to make room for a new seminar on defusing a land mine.
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Hey, if you’re not into truffles or gladius swords or ocelots or being beaten with a bag of artisanal light-roast beans, no worries. Here are some other things we’re now super psyched to offer in a coffee shop:
A wishing well
A karate dojo
A library of freecycled mystic books
A hypoallergenic bee farm
A blurb 747 airliner simulator
A Volkswagen-certified camper-van correct service
A build-your-own-gingerbread-house after-school program
A accursed aged piano that plays usually zydeco
A museum of communism
A Gary Busey-themed condemned house
A Taiwanese embassy
A coin-operated time machine
A minotaur’s labyrinth
And we now offer gluten-free zucchini bread!
Nah, we don’t have energy outlets. Sorry. It’s opposite a philosophy.
Oh, those hulk nets we see fibbing around? They’re out since Gertrude, one of a Bengal tigers, got lax and ran onto a Olympic ice course and ate a hulk card standee of Oksana Baiul. Then all a skaters freaked out and skated into a apiary, that frightened a bees, so a bees swarmed into one of a Volkswagen camper vans. But, humorous story, a outpost was full of gingerbread and land mines and a minotaur. Then Dominique a Cruel panicked, since she loves a minotaur—she calls him “boo bear”—and she started yelling during him in her “angry voice” to get out of a VW immediately, that spooked him, and he started overhanging his mattock during a raise of bee-covered land mines.
So prolonged story brief a camper outpost full of bees and gingerbread and a minotaur exploded, and we’ve had to tighten a attractions early, and now people can’t get their Taiwanese passports renewed or learn about communism or be freaked out by Gary Busey until we locate Gertrude—that’s a tiger—in a small, cute, local, indie coffee shop.
Hey, did we discuss we do paninis? No panini? Just a bottled water? That’ll be 8 dollars.
One some-more thing: a Wi-Fi is down. Sorry.